What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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