Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
