After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
