At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
