I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
