Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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