I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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