Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
