I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Randomize
