at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
