can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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