In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
