Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Please don't give away my fajitas
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
