Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
