dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
