i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Randomize
