I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
