"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
