Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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