used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
