smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
