I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I want her autograph on my taint
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
