yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
