the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
