he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Randomize
