i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I need mimosas to revive my soul
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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