It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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