You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
