I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
