Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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