When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
