Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just invented taco cereal.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
