I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
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