you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
