Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
