Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
