I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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