just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
