I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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