Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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