My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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