i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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