Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
