if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
