did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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