wanna go halves on a baby?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
