Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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