There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
he shaved USA in his pubs
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
