I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I don't deserve a penis
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
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