Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
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