he thought i was a dude.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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